Final Score (1986)

I blame Kaos. The rancid stench of failure surrounding Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever (2002) lasted for years. The disastrous actioner starring Lucy Liu and Antonio Banderas excelled at reaching number one on several worst movies ever made lists. Such beloved bad movie classics as Troll 2, Manos: The Hands of Fate, The Room, and the work of Edward D. Wood Jr. took a back seat to a movie that didn’t even have that “so bad, it’s good” factor. It was just a mess and the fact that the credited director went by a single name, Kaos (real name Wych Kaosayananda), felt hilariously appropriate. There’s a special place in hell for directors who use a single name credit. There are pseudonyms like Alan Smithee or Tony Kaye’s proposed ‘Humpty Dumpty’ credit, and then there’s this.

Only two years later, another director with a singular moniker would direct a massive flop. With an artsy fartsy name like Pitof, you’d think he’d bring something fresh to the long-awaited Catwoman (2004) solo effort. You would be wrong. The most high-profile one-name director must be McG, whom I’ve unfairly maligned over the years as Brett Ratner-light. He’s just another Hollywood hack, but his filmography isn’t all bad. A music video director first, the Charlie’s Angels movies helped him break through and We are Marshall (2006) was a box-office disappointment but is a respectable by-the-numbers sports flick. He’d stumble with Terminator: Salvation (2009), a movie that should have been a satisfying continuation of the Terminator saga since everyone had been pining for a John Connor movie set in the future only hinted at in the first three films. It’s arguable that Jonathan Mostow’s Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) started the downward slide of the franchise, but at least Mostow gave us some fun action, while McG’s Salvation featured a bland John Connor, unmemorable action, and is only notable for the leaked audio from Christian Bale’s temper tantrum. It would take nearly ten years for McG to regain some respectability with The Babysitter (2017), an imperfect but very fun horror-comedy featuring the always great Samara Weaving. McG has acknowledged the douchiness of using a one word name, but those who do not come off as pretentious assholes. There is, however, an exception to the rule. The director of Final Score (1986), Arizal, can call himself whatever the hell he wants because this movie rules!

As if written by a hyperactive, sugar-addled twelve year old boy, Final Score is the ultimate Cannon movie they never made. Indonesian exploitation films are not a subgenre I’m very familiar with, but if this movie is any indication of what’s in store, I’m in. All in. Remarkably simple, the movie revolves around Richard Brown (Christopher Mitchum, son of Robert, of course), a business executive living in Indonesia with his wife and son, whose life gets turned upside down when his family is brutally murdered. Bad move on the bad guys’ part because Brown is a decorated Vietnam vet and he’s ready to put some hurting on these dickheads. The body count and level of carnage in this brief movie is stunning. Mitchum kills the equivalent of a small army, or even a tiny country. Half the population of Indonesia apparently works for the main villain, Mr. Hawk (Mike Abbott), and he kills them all. What makes the film such a delightfully nasty piece of revenge cinema is its dubbing. A lot of dubbed films feel hollow and the actors speaking are clearly going through the motions. Not so with this action bonanza. It’s as if the folks who were in charge of the dubbing brought in a shitload of booze, did some rails, and said fuck it, let’s have fun! The film is full of priceless lines, including Hawk’s proclamation that “I want to squeeze the living shit out of his rotten life. And no more fucking failure!” How can you not love this movie?

We open with a cheap-as-dirt red-lettered title sequence accompanied by a score that sounds like the Manos theme sped up and peppered with canned machine gun sound effects. There’s a credited ‘Cashier’ on the film, which is baffling. I assumed this was an actor credit, but no. A ‘cashier’ worked on this film, I assume in a cashier-based capacity. The special effects artist’s credit is also a bit odd as his name is partially missing, as if they tried to erase it but gave up halfway. We cut to a beautiful country club/pool where Hawk, whose dubbed voice sounds like he eats nails and sandpaper for breakfast, discusses his plans to turn Indonesia into Silicon Valley 2. With the sound being added later, the filmmakers have full reign to throw in whatever they’d like and you’d think that no dialogue could ever be missed. What’s hysterical about this scene is that a background player jumps in the pool just as Hawk’s associate speaks and the splash on the soundtrack drowns out his words. Remember, this splash was added later. There’s no reason it should be louder than the dialogue. Plus, there’s a bit of nature noise, but we’re treated to silent footage of other pool guests milling about, giving the scene an otherworldly quality. Brown represents a bit of competition for Hawks, so he wants him out of the picture.

The Brown family is busy preparing for their son’s eighth birthday. Bobby (Andre Mathias) is a seriously intense kid. Dressed in army fatigues, he demands that his daddy procure a new toy gun for him. His wife Florinda (Siska Widowati) looks on, amused. Richard is called to the office and while he’s picking up Florinda’s party dress and a sweet-looking gun combo for Bobby, hired goons massacre his family and staff. A staple of low budget action movies is the slow-motion gunshot death. It’s a dramatic and cost-effective way to kill people when you can only afford so many squibs. The deaths of the servants are surprisingly bloodless but they certainly do destroy the house. This will be the first of many scenes depicting people smashing through things in slo-mo. Bobby is smacked hard and gunned down, causing his mother to lash out. In a scene that turns very dark, very fast, the group gang rapes Florinda. It’s incredibly unpleasant and there’s particular attention paid to the dubbed grunting and heavy breathing by the rapists. They leave and end up getting run off the road by Brown on his way back home, causing them to roll down a hill and get stuck in some mud. This turns out to be pointless since nothing comes of it and it seems to merely be an excuse to roll a car down a steep hill and deliver the stupid line: “I’m being paid to kill! Not get killed!” Yeesh.

Bobby wakes up and reaches for his mother, who’s dying as well. Brown arrives and vows revenge. Assuming Mitchum did his own dubbing, it’s not exactly an award-winning performance here, but they didn’t hire him for his voice. They hired Chris Mitchum to fuck some shit up, and boy, does he ever! He spoke of the peace he felt living with his family in Indonesia, but “Some rotten son of a bitch has ruined that peace forever.” The goons show up at his hotel and he takes them out dressed in silky pajamas. Smashing a henchman, in slo-mo of course, first through an aquarium then into a pot, he makes his way down to their car. In a classic exchange, a driver asks Brown, “Who are you?” Brown simply replies, “Death.” Richard wants the truth, and he’ll “cut it out piece by piece” if he has to. The driver claims to know nothing, so Brown lets him go…right to Brown’s own car, which he correctly guesses has been booby trapped. The first of many explosions takes place and Richard gets a fancy new vehicle with a trunk full of deadly weapons.

Beginning with an impressive crane shot, we’re now in the jungle where guerrillas are approaching some kind of military base. The movie cross-cuts between the daytime attack and Brown suiting up in the dead of night. The invasion scene is well-made and has a ton of explosions and machine gun action, but I honestly have no idea why it was in this movie. Something to do with Hawk eliminating the competition? The gang returns to their headquarters, you know, like bad guys do, and there are the usual crates of drugs and guns and dudes with rifles walking around. It’s very important to note that although there are a ton of henchman, it seems they’re all dubbed by the same two guys, giving every gang scene a weird, schizophrenic feel. They’re very polite, though, I must say. Anytime one lights another’s cigarette, they say “thank you.” Real sweet.

Richard attacks and annihilates everyone. We discover that he has a list of the gang members who murdered his family. When he stands over one of them, he says, “Best from my wife. Bobby says hello too,” before blowing him away. There will be many pre-death quips in this movie. Brown plans to systematically destroy Hawk’s empire and he targets a casino/brothel next. At first, he silently takes out the guards with some well-timed neck snaps, but all hell breaks loose and he just starts mowing guys down. Once he catches up with another rapist, he gives him a ‘Happy Birthday Grenade.’ Just for fun, he blows up the house of ill-repute as well. There’s an impressive level of mayhem in this movie and we’re not even at the halfway point!

Richard screws up when he makes a call to his associate David and he’s captured by Hawk’s men. They beat the tar out of him and even brand him with a hot iron. Brown is informed that he’ll die very slowly by a black guy who sounds very much like a white dude. Fortunately, Hawk’s secretary Julia (Ida Iasha) has a vendetta for turning her sister to drugs and prostitution, so she saves Brown by shooting the men with poisoned darts. Richard takes care of the rest, including disposing of one baddie by literally shoving the hot poker up this guy’s ass. His pants are still on, but they show it. Julia nurses Richard back to health and they hatch a plan to steal the computer ‘diskettes’ that will prove Hawk’s guilt. At a meeting, Hawk begins a spectacularly counter-productive pattern by killing his business partners. Julia keeps getting moved up the chain because he gets pissed and plugs his associates. I’m sure many executives wish it were this easy.

Brown captures another bad guy and first tortures him by shooting both his knee caps. The man pleads to be killed with some ridiculous dub acting, but Richard has no interest in a simple head shot. He places C4 between his legs and applies a quick disguise of a moustache and mutton chops before heading out, letting the bomb blow this dude to pieces. A massive car chase ensues. The dubbing is hysterical, especially the clearly improvised in-fighting amongst the goons. There’s real personality here and they probably had a ball recording this. Random cars are smashed for no good reason. Brown gets cornered and drives sideways down a narrow alley then destroys a local marketplace. His car is also magic since it literally hops over a truck. I mean, seriously. There’s no ramp or indication of how he gets over this truck. He just does. A super random orange truck has stalled out and there’s a pile of oranges scattered on the road. There’s something very satisfying about the hoodlums running over these oranges and there’s a shockingly realistic car flip where it looks very much like the guy hanging out the window got crushed. Am I secretly into “crush videos?” Richard busts out a rocket launcher that looks badass and in a wide shot with very obvious dummies, there’s a massive explosion and the poor dummies topple over. Yet another car is after him, but fortunately, there’s a train. The movie is very well done, but I assumed the train would merely be a near-miss situation due to a low budget. Nope. They get hit by the train and blow up real good, but not before yelling, in unison, “YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!” I keep thinking about the opening bit about Silicon Valley 2. Is this how Steve Jobs and Bill Gates got started?

Richard gets over his wife’s death and beds Julia. Hawk keeps killing his guys. Brown tricks out a motorcycle with a machine gun, which he imitates by making gun noises with his mouth like an eight-year old. Julia gets the diskettes and they meet at a lakeside restaurant to do the evidence exchange. Bad choice as motorboats full of gun-toting henchmen arrive to fuck some shit up. Brown keeps a machine gun on him, like you do, but Julia is killed. She does get in a couple more good kills, including running over a couple of guys. These men definitely got hurt in real life since the car plows right into them without any cutaways. Julia’s last words are “I love you, Richard.” Ugh. Not necessary. A twelve year old may indeed have written this. Word on the playground is you fall in love with a person if you “make the sex on them.” Boobies and such.

There’s a final showdown at Compound A, the storage house for drugs and weapons disguised as coffee. More colorful dialogue from the familiar-sounding henchmen: “Who are you calling an asshole, you asshole?!” Hawk is banging some chick for way too long and Richard rides up on his death bike. There’s a phone call and Hawk answers with “Give it to me,” which seems to be misplaced sex talk. He hilariously takes out the last of his loyal staff when she informs him that the helicopter is on its way. He thanks her, then shoots her. Why? Because he’s Mr. Hawk, bitch!

Everyone dies, of course. Richard expertly whips the phone cord around Hawk’s hands and they have a little tussle. Mike Abbott is a big, meaty dude and looks like he could tear Chris Mitchum in half. He gets away and there’s an awkward lapse as the helicopter circles the house. It’s real, of course, so it’s understandable that a helicopter can’t just fly around willy-nilly, but it kills the momentum. The payoff, however, is very much worth it. Hawk gets in the helicopter and I’m thinking, “Wow, wouldn’t it be cool if he drove his bike right at the chopper?” I dismissed this thought since that would be a very dangerous and super expensive feat, but holy shit! They did it! Not only that, but Richard does a wheelie straight through the chopper’s open doors, drops a grenade and flies back out. Hawk barely has time to react, then BOOM! No more Hawk. As is the case with most action movies, despite the countless deaths, destruction of public property, and millions of dollars in damage, the government forgets all that and congratulates the hero on a job well done.

I was very impressed with the filmmaking on display here. Look past the silly dubbing and you’ll find a tightly-made, down-and-dirty little thriller that refuses to let up. It’s your classic one-man army set up and clearly a rip-off of Rambo, Commando, and Chuck Norris movies, but it has a charm all it’s own. If a movie sets out to be entertaining and nothing else, this one gets an ‘A’ for sure.